7 Ways to Change Your Husband

I think every woman thinks at some point that with enough pressure and chatter, she can change her husband. I have thought this countless times to no avail. No amount of pressure and coercing on my part has done any good in moving Hubby toward an idea, attitude, or action.

I hate to say it but it’s taken me these 2 and half years of marriage to realize that I alone cannot change Hubby. Men don’t like to be bossed. They must be gently encouraged or led. Have you ever heard that song from the movie “Hello Dolly!”? So true!

It takes a woman to quietly plan

To take him, to change him to her kind of man

And to gently lead him

Where fortune can find him

And not let him know that the power behind

Was that dainty woman…

 change your husband

1. Stop trying to change him.

I had to learn with Hubby that my snide remarks, shouting, pestering, nagging ways (boy, I sound awful!) were not working. No matter how much I spoke out about a subject, he didn’t seem to get any better! It wasn’t until I stopped saying things completely that I realized they weren’t doing any good.

You must know a bit about the psychology of men to know that those tactics don’t work. Some issues like picking up dirty socks are easy to change and a man need only be kindly informed to know your wishes and work toward this. Other deeper issues like anger problems or church attendance are spiritual matters. No amount of nagging will get him to change. So stop!

2. Start praying diligently for him.

I pray for Hubby each day when I have my quiet time with the Lord. If there is ever an issue that I see or am having with Hubby, I talk to God about it. He is the One who can change hearts.

Over the course of my marriage there have been issues I have seen with Hubby (just as he has seen with me). I committed them to prayer and resolved not to badger Hubby about it. It was an experiment. Would God work in his life? Did prayer really and truly change things? Slowly over time I could see God’s hand in his life. Specific things he said or did showed me that God was working.

3. Encourage him.

Hubbies don’t need nagging. They need encouragement. Don’t we all respond better to encouragement anyway? Yet why do we wives think it’s okay to treat our Hubbies like the children?

If Hubby is not being diligent in his quiet time with God, I am going to make it a point to praise him when he does do it. If Hubby has been angry lately and losing his temper a lot, I’m going to make it a point to thank him when he does keep calm. These are ways I encourage him to be better.  Yes, it’s hard to hold my tongue and not berate him for doing those things he know to do. But I know that doing that will only put up more walls. It takes the Lord’s help to be an encouraging wife.

4. Don’t reprimand him.

Hubby’s ego is fragile. He wants to be my hero. He wants and needs to be respected. When I reprimand him and treat him as a child when he does something wrong or is not the man I want him to be at that moment, he deflates, he becomes defensive and a wall is up. Reprimanding him does not do any good at all! It defeats my whole purpose of addressing an issue, because now I’ve just created another issue: he doesn’t feel I respect him.

While we may get results with children when we reprimand them, it’s not the case with Hubby! I have to fight against this tendency of mine and remember that encouragement it always better.

5. Celebrate small victories with him.

For all the bad that Hubby does (which is hardly anything at all because he’s so amazing!), there is so much good! Yet I tend to focus on the negative because that’s what needs help. I sometimes forget to praise him for those things he does greatly! Taking out the trash every morning, doing loads of laundry for me when I’m tired, putting dishes in the dishwasher, giving me a foot massage, reading Godly marriage books with me in bed, talking with me upon his arrival home: he does these things without my asking or reminding. These deserve praise!

When there’s an area in his life that is lacking and he responds correctly, celebrate! Draw attention to the fact that he did _____. Praise him for not losing his temper in that argument or tiff. Praise him for remembering to check the mail for you. Celebrate the fact that he spent time in prayer today. Celebrate no matter how small!

6. Know that change takes time.

Change doesn’t happen overnight; it’s gradual. Be thankful for what changes have taken place in his life. Realize that with prayer and encouragement he will only get better!

Knowing that change does take time doesn’t mean that you’ll be living in a nightmare until he’s completely better. Focusing on those positive changes in his life and encouraging him will take your mind off of the negative. You’ll realize the good and be thankful for it.

7. Push to be around good influences.

Influences greatly affect us. Unfortunately we cannot always control these. Family and work relationships can be tricky. While you cannot cut off them completely because you are obligated somewhat, you can help Hubby realize that certain influences can be detrimental. 

Recognizing that some influences could be hurtful to your marriage, relationship with God, emotional well-being, etc is half the battle. Then you are able to analyze statements, conversations, etc and be proactive in being a positive influence or shutting down negativity.

The influence of Godly family members, friends from church, etc. can be extremely important in the growth of your Hubby. Pushing to be around these people is a good idea because their ideals or attitudes can rub off. Seeing other Godly men can be inspiring for Hubby too.

In what ways have you tried to change Hubby?

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  1. says

    These are great reminders especially going into the weekend. I think for the most part we all know these things and just don’t practice them. I was complaining one day at work about how my hubs never put a garbage bag back in the can after he took out the garbage and asked the ladies who had been married a while if they had a trick to solve that problem. They said give it a bit and then ask him to throw something away for you. I did and he immediately saw there was no bag, said ‘oh crap I forgot the bag’, put one in and its never been a problem since. I just need to figure out ways to apply that lesson to other issues :-)

    Hopping over from That’s Fresh Friday
    Stacy recently posted…No Sew Curtains…Without Using Hanging ClipsMy Profile

  2. says

    I learned a lesson from my 11-year-old nephew that somehow has stuck with me in my marriage.
    He was traveling with his mom and 6-year-old sister. His mom had dropped him and his sister off and one family member realized we didn’t have a carseat for the little sister.
    “Oh, no,” My father-in-law said, “Your mom forgot to leave Megan’s car seat!”
    And my 11-year-old nephew immediately said, “My mom has been very busy. It’s not her fault.”

    I was amazed. Here was an 11-year-old boy who thought someone was speaking ill of his mom and he immediately stood up for her very loyally.
    He was taught well and I always remember that I need to be that loyal to my husband (and other family members) instead of seizing an opportunity to complain.

    Thanks for your tips. I love where you said that we need to rely on God to soften hearts.
    Julie V. recently posted…Salisbury SteakMy Profile

  3. says

    Thank you for sharing these reminders. After 14 years of marriage I think I finally have tipped the balance in favor of encouragement vs complaints or nags. Nagging and complaining is not very good inspiration for someone to change. But it’s perfect inspiration for that someone to clam up and dig their heels in a little further! I saw your post on Share-your-stuff-Tuesday at http://www.parentingandhomeschoolinginfaith.com/2014/06/share-your-stuff-53.html. I’ll be sharing an older post that I wrote to husband on Valentine’s Day, touching on this same topic.
    Thanks again, De
    De Yarrison recently posted…Verse, June 24My Profile

  4. says

    This is so true. We cannot change another person. It is within our nature to withdraw when another pushes us so we just can love, encourage and gently coax. But pushing only brings resentment, on both sides. Great post!

  5. Michelle Hwee says

    This looks great! It also looks like it would actually work. Thanks for posting! I think it could be a great help!

  6. Elizabeth O. says

    Great tips! Number 1 is so true. No matter how hard you try you can never change him, so stop trying or you will only end up frustrated.

    • Danielle Wells says

      haha! i’m always drawn in when I read titles of post like this. I always think “no way this bloggers going to have any useful info!” And then it goes another direction. hehehe! :) Thanks for reading!


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